


Harley Keener Watches Movies

by YouKnowMyMethods



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Twilight (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:08:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25343719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YouKnowMyMethods/pseuds/YouKnowMyMethods
Summary: Harley live-blogging popular films. General crack and sometimes the fourth wall is just a suggestion.
Kudos: 7





	1. Harley on Iron Man (2008)

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a joke because I was watching Iron Man and I'd recently written a lot of Harley, so I started to wonder what his reactions to everything that happened to Tony would be. And then I wrote them down. Friends seemed to enjoy it, so I did another and here we are. Feel free to suggest things in the comments and I'll keep this going as long as people are interested. Hopefully, you find Harley's thoughts amusing.

  * A+ soundtrack
  * Omg what are those sunglasses?
  * Seriously you can’t flirt with the soldier lady
  * You absolutely didn’t go 12/12 for the Maxim cover models
  * Jaded af
  * I bet that was an awesome picture
  * He said to stay down idiot
  * Omg don’t get OUT of the van that was built to protect you
  * Which hurt more: the shrapnel or the irony?
  * At least one good thing came out of this disaster: you lost the sunglasses, apparently
  * LEGENDARY PATRIOT
  * Omg what is that pose
  * DAB
  * But not doing a great job protecting yourself
  * Rhodey looks different. He def lost some weight since then
  * I bet so much money he’s in the workshop
  * I was wrong, but this is so much better omg
  * What is with you and the shitty sunglasses?
  * What’s that rando gonna do with an award that says ‘Tony Stark’
  * Steve rogers doesn’t rehearse he just goes for it DO BETTER STARK
  * OH MAN sunglasses comin off SHIT’S GETTIN REAL
  * Losing hours of sleep requires actually taking the time to sleep in the first place
  * OMG THAT NOISE
  * Holy shit! That’s your HOUSE? And you gave me a POTATO GUN?
  * Do not fuck with JARVIS
  * Or Pepper tbh
  * SICK BURN PEPPER wow what an absolute savage
  * Look at that hella old tech
  * Tony gives no shits about art
  * I really enjoy the fact that it took you literal years to actually do that speech at MIT
  * Sexual tension so real
  * When do I get to drive that car?
  * Happy carrying all the bags like jeez you were a douche
  * CONSTITUTIONALLY INCAPABLE OF BEING RESPONSIBLE
  * Rhodey this is not the time for an emotional speech there are strippers ok
  * HUMBLY L O L
  * Seriously the sunglasses again? I guess this is a flashback so they’re the same ones. But still. Ugh.
  * Omg you drama queen when can we blow something up?
  * Well that looked like it hurt
  * Ew the nose sound jfc
  * How come this guy has a suit?
  * Oh shit that would freak me the fuck out
  * Oh yes better zip up that jacket and preserve your modesty bc he didn’t PERFORM SURGERY ON YOU ALREADY
  * I would kill to hear that drunk lecture
  * Terrorist bro is kinda harsh with the “mass murderer” thing
  * How are you even alive after all of this? Like DAMN DUDE
  * What did they give you to eat? Did you get to shower? I have so many questions
  * Bald guy’s coming back at some point
  * Only Tony Stark could order terrorists around like a boss
  * Fingerless gloves omg are you going through a grunge phase
  * Why do they call themselves the Ten Rings like what does that stand for
  * I get that Yinsen has steady hands bc he’s a surgeon but you build shit so why aren’t your hands steady
  * Did you just want him to feel like he was involved in the process lol
  * Bulky iron man 1.0
  * Yinsen is a savage
  * These terrorists are idiots if they think you’re still building a bomb like man what about that looks like a missile?
  * Knew Bald Guy was comin back
  * If you ask Hawkeye the bow and arrow is still pretty awesome
  * Why did english-speaking Bald Guy not come to talk sooner
  * That could be an impossible timeline like he doesn’t even know how far you are along
  * I know the helmet is supposed to look menacing but im cracking up rn
  * Oh shit Yinsen no
  * Some of these people def died
  * How do you MOVE in that thing
  * Got the angry face on now. NOBODY FUCKS WITH YINSEN AND GETS AWAY WITH IT
  * It must have been hella hot in there
  * Also how did you not DIE ON IMPACT
  * Sand is not that soft ok
  * Tony “I’m Not Injured” Stark
  * Omg ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
  * I support cheeseburger first always though
  * Bc SHIELD didn’t deliberately pick that name so it spelled out SHIELD
  * Everyone like WTF IS HAPPENING
  * Omg Obadiah trying to spin it “TONY’S BACK”
  * He’s riding a segway what a prick
  * It’s man-YOU-facturer, not man-UH-facturer
  * What pants are you wearing right now like wow
  * Fashion choices have def improved since this incident
  * Pepper uncomfortable putting her hand IN YOUR CHEST
  * Omg casually snarking while going into cardiac arrest
  * BS you’re hella nostalgic
  * RUDE Tony is asking for help and you’re being a dick, Rhodes
  * Blocky holograms
  * I didnt get any holograms in my upgrade just saying
  * Not even blocky ones
  * DUM-E trying to be useful
  * HEY I DID THAT TOO
  * The thrust is a bitch to work out like ugh
  * Folding your pizza like a goddamn heathen
  * Why would you test the flight stuff right next to the hella fancy cars
  * The noises during this flight testing thing i am on the floor
  * Do you make these noises during sex? Is that why it’s always one-night stands?
  * NO NOT THE CAR
  * Also though that lady’s face when he was like “sure don’t” she was so affronted
  * He’d rather let Pepper debrief him tbh
  * “What’s your social security number?” “Five.”
  * Sexual tension foreal
  * “Like, at least 3 olives”
  * Omg the panic face pls make that face all the time
  * Toe socks with that undersuit though *licks lips*
  * Tony unconcerned about killing ppl if they’re terrorists
  * That had to hurt
  * Pulled that move right outta The Matrix
  * That sounded so gay though
  * Pepper was Not Comfortable walking into that situation
  * Terrorist thinking small here with the “all of Asia” bs like first asia, THEN THE WORLD
  * Admittedly Tony does sound a little crazy
  * THE CLAW
  * YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH PEPPER SIR
  * DUM-E is a hero he should be an avenger
  * Pepper looks so confused when her card doesn’t work on the secret place
  * She runs in heels like a boss though
  * Omg “STAAAAAAAANE” straight outta star trek
  * What a dumb fuck taking the suit out without testing it first AND without knowing anything about how it works
  * Ok even without the targeting system you should be able to shoot better than THAT like jeez
  * NOT MY FIRST RODEO i cant take that phrase seriously after john oliver
  * SHUT DOWN
  * Pepper is a SAVAGE
  * Tony stop talking
  * And there it is you fucking drama queen YOU WOULD
  * He DOES think he’s the only superhero in the world though and you def didn’t want him on your superhero team so stfu nick fury




	2. Harley Keener on Twilight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harley's little sister, Abby, requests that he watch Twilight because "you can't make fun of something you've never seen, Har."

  * Based solely on the description, I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate this movie.
  * Some Gen Z she is.
  * Bambi???
  * Oh shit Bambi no!
  * She sounds...soulless
  * Damn she’s whiter than me
  * Why is the g in twilight so wiggly?
  * This town sounds like Rose Hill
  * Defund the police
  * She’s moving away from home and she has like 4 suitcases???
  * The best part of this scene is definitely the 2 middle aged men fake fighting in the background
  * I am getting VIBES from this Eric dude he is Not Straight
  * Why is she wearing pants in gym?
  * Mike simpin HARD
  * Ah yes. Objectifying women.
  * Why are these ppl so late to lunch???
  * They look like theyre 30 years old
  * Do they color coordinate their outfits?
  * Everyone except this emo motherfucker
  * He was definitely Cedric Diggory
  * OMG
  * HE JUST COVERED HIS NOSE WHEN SHE WALKED BY
  * WTF DUDE RUDE AF
  * If I was this girl I’d kick the shit outta this douchebag
  * He seriously tryin to quit the class? Oh man I know he’s a vampire but like. Manners.
  * I DIDNT LOSE MY POWER CORD IT RAN AWAY
  * Why is she so salty about this guy like he’s a dick get over him.
  * That is a fuck van if Ive ever seen one
  * Aw hell yes this is the vampire content I am here for gettim gurl
  * What? No blood? Come on
  * She just fell right on her ass just OOP
  * HOW YOU LIKIN THE RAIN GURL wtf
  * Oh he’s back and he’s wearing a grey shirt instead of a black shirt to show he’s different
  * Oh god he made it scrape so bad
  * Omg stop pushing it back and forth jfc
  * “You were gone” wow good job this girl is observant as fuck
  * Jeez you literally just met this girl stop prying my dude
  * No teenagers interact like this ever
  * ITS THE LIGHTING THATS WHY MY EYES ARE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLOR NOTHING TO SEE HERE
  * Oop hes fucked now
  * Jesus this man is literally WHITE. Theyre all so WHITE
  * Did he really just shine a light in her eye and decide she was fine? Has he been to med school?
  * Oh this is sketchy as hell now he’s trying to gaslight her???
  * What does Abby see in this guy what the hell
  * Dude’s giving me whiplash w his moods
  * Holy fuck is he IN HER ROOM WHILE SHES SLEEPING WTF
  * GIRL RUN
  * RED FUCKING FLAGS
  * Theyre literally all staring at her from across the parking lot
  * Hes so shit at deflecting like how does everyone not know
  * Did he literally just IM BEING RUDE BC ITS FOR THE BEST
  * Oh fuck OUR BUS IS FULL. dismissed
  * Dad is not over his ex
  * He is literally playing w his food???
  * LA PUSH. ITS LA PUSH lol who talks like that
  * Did she just fuckin say what I said…
  * SHE DID SHE SAID THE WHIPLASH THING THIS IS NOT OK I SAID IT FIRST
  * He hates your friends gurl. Which is fair bc they really suck
  * THE CULLENS DONT COME HERE
  * Hang on this dude literally stared at her for like a full 30 seconds after he said that and Jacob’s surprised she noticed???
  * Ah sepia tones
  * Come onnnn give me bloooooood kill him ded
  * Ok one is dressed like a 90s pop star, one’s got no shirt, and one looks like a gd pirate
  * She’d be much more likeable if she had a dog
  * Gotta objectify the women every 20 minutes
  * This girl stupid af like AH YES A DARK ALLEY ALONE AT NIGHT? PERFECT. Maybe she is gen z after all. Death wish.
  * He cannot keep a secret to save his life like damn
  * THAT WAS A DOUBLE YELLOW LINE YOU CANNOT CROSS
  * He’s such a douchebag and he’s so creepy why is she into this???
  * Whoop being a mind reader in high school has got to be absolutely the shittiest thing
  * This is the stupidest love story i have ever seen. Literally what the fuck
  * Ooooh a hand touch. Waow.
  * That was the most wooden “What is going on?” i have ever heard in my life
  * Dad showing the most emotion out of anyone in the entire movie so far
  * For a vampire movie they really short you on the horror
  * Honestly i expected her to use Bing
  * What she’s literally dreaming about him eating her WHO IS THIS GIRL
  * Why the dramatic lead up? They both know like this is just fuckin dumb
  * He looks way older than 17
  * “Say it” oooh kinky
  * No consent. Yet another red flag. GURL RUN
  * Oop he doesn’t burn in the sun. Lame.
  * Sweaty?
  * Holy shit vampires that sparkle in the sunlight are you KIDDING ME
  * “It’s the skin of a killer, Bella” no it’s the skin of a stripper my man
  * Ok uprooting a tree was super unnecessary
  * GURL RUN like jfc
  * He’s in a tree now? What the hell
  * OK WHAT he tried to do the sexy eyes and it fell VERY FLAT
  * She don’t HAVE to do anything stop backing her into a wall. Literally. Very creepy.
  * Scariest part of this movie so far is how toxic this relationship is like DAMN
  * She skipped school did no one call her dad? I played hooky all of one time and they called Pepper AND my ma
  * That grass has to be hella damp like this cannot be comfortable
  * Only his face is sparkling like did this movie even have a budget
  * Her supposed-to-be-dramatic-voiceovers are so fucking funny esp bc she cannot show emotion if her life depended on it
  * Oh shit he Drove Her To School
  * The venom lol
  * How is she completely dry but he’s fuckin soaked
  * Oop next shot theyre both dry
  * What’s wrong with tofu wtf dude stop calling me out like this???
  * Now he’s tryna be chill seriously this dude
  * Holy shit they literally slowed down to glare at each other INCREDIBLE
  * Nice house
  * The vampires are cooking
  * Wow she was tryna be polite and he called her out
  * This dude looks so constipated like i dont think he’s pooped in his whole life
  * No bed. Where are they gonna do the sexy times
  * I guess that couch
  * They leave all the doors open like don’t they have hella bugs?
  * Hes so fuckin impressed she knows a very popular classical song like what
  * Um. ok red flag AGAIN. I CAN ALWAYS MAKE YOU
  * Spider monkey what
  * He CLOMB so quick
  * She’s hanging w a vampire and she’s like MAN THE SCENERY IS UNREAL CANT EXIST ITS FAKE TOO PRETTY
  * PAINT ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS EDWARD
  * How tf did she just teleport from the couch to the piano like no time passed bc the song didnt skip and he was PLAYING
  * “He’s a good buddy” oof
  * He just breaks into her room like at least knock
  * He just admitted to creeping on her at night and she is FINE WITH IT
  * Omg what is he doing with his mouth this is the slowest kiss ever i am wheezing
  * Oop no makeout sesh
  * Did her dad not hear him slam into the wall? Like the house isnt that big
  * Sleeping w him has to be so uncomfortable like isnt he hella cold
  * Classic dad w shotgun meeting boyfriend wow so funny
  * How the hell is she gonna be an umpire if they move so fast she cant see em
  * Why do they all have uniforms?
  * Did Vampire Dad just say “Nice kitty” to the angry girl??? That is. Creepy.
  * Solid soundtrack for baseball scene tho
  * Omg why does everyone in this movie have a monkey kink
  * Shirtless dude got a jacket
  * And pirate guy opened his shirt up
  * James got the crazy eyes
  * Omg they all HISSED
  * Why is vampire dad wearing a scarf to play baseball
  * Whoops you fucked up my mans. Should have just stayed CHILL
  * Why didnt they just pretend she was a snack for later like problem solved
  * She hurting dad’s feelings real bad
  * Ah yes bc jumping onto the side of a car is v inconspicuous
  * Bet she regrets shackin up w a vampire NOW
  * Wait why dont they just turn her into a vampire like problem solved???
  * Why is this one girl such a bitch like damn is she jealous i thought she was w big muscle boi
  * How can she be your life if youre dead dude???
  * MARK THAT TREE she just fucking rubbed up against it w bella’s coat
  * Ok the vampires in the other room can 1000% hear this whole conversation
  * How does she know he’s not gonna kill her and then kill her mom? Like he’s a vampire he eats people
  * No she is NOT going to pepper spray the vampire
  * SHE IS NOT
  * Oop he got her good
  * SHE DID JESUS WHAT A DUMBASS
  * Oop she bleedin thats no good
  * oop. how does he fuckin fly like that i can almost SEE the wires
  * Why is he so against her bein a vampire
  * Omg they’re like dancing around the fire in the background
  * She looks like she’s orgasming
  * Oh SHIT he killed Bambi at the beginning gdi
  * He’s just listening that’s so creepy
  * How could anyone possibly believe that story like NO ONE IS THAT CLUMSY
  * Were the doctors not concerned about the literal bite mark on her arm? Like how did she get that fallin through a window
  * I think she’s havin a stroke
  * WE CANT BE APART. YOU CANT LEAVE ME. that is. Toxic as fuck
  * Classy boot
  * I didnt even get to see her apologize for hurting Dad’s feelings like damn she was MEAN and now theyre fine
  * Ah the good glare. And there Jacob goes strutting back into the forest.
  * They were in the big prom room for like 30 seconds before they both bolted
  * Ok why did the rest of the ppl in the gazebo thing just up and leave at the same time i get they wanted this shot but like that was v jarring
  * She a dramatic bitch IM DYING ALREADY
  * He’s not gonna fuckin do it at PROM is he???
  * Ok jesus i was gonna scream like these vampires are horrible at keeping their vampire secrets
  * How much money did this school shell out for prom like no fuckin way this would ever happen in real life
  * OOP i thought i saw the 90s pop star jacket in the background. A TEASE FOR A SEQUEL.
  * Well. that was. Something.
  * I have many regrets.




End file.
